The past few weeks I have been struggling real badly with regards to many things in my life. Not gonna say much here, but one thing i can say is...I have been thinking of ending it all like how Alexander McQueen did. Indirectly, I have been "blaming" God and all....
So...I went to service not really engaging and all. Pastor Kong talks about depression and all and all that runs in my mind is that it is just a sermon to encourage others and I'm not really interested as it will not help me solve my problem.
But during ministering, I had no intention of going down for altar call. What really scares me is that it is then that i realised...that I am indeed struggling...struggling with thoughts of ending my life. Life doesn't seem so interesting, nor am i running after my dreams after all...
The female cgl/leader that prayed for me is indeed a great sister, but well, I wasn't that concern about it (but still, i got to thank her). Before the service and even during the service, i told God that I ain't talking/gonna listen to Him (see how childish I am!) unless something can make me change my mind. Well, the sister who prayed for me after she minister to me said something to me, but i wasn't listening. Strangely, I was thinking of Alexander McQueen....
God is such a humorous God. I said to Him that I don't wanna talk to Him about love, dreams, hopes, faith etc. And guess what? He spoke to me by showing met through Alexander McQueen! I said to myself, "I'm gonna end it all like Alexander McQueen and when I'm in the other world, I can probably ask him to teach me all his skills and probably interview him! Same as McQueen, no one seems to be trustworthy, no one seems to understand..." Then...a thought came to my mind when the sister was praying for me (but I wasn't even listening!)...
"Alexander McQueen's death is a tragedy. Probably it is something that he thought long and hard before making the decision. But...few years down the road, when you mention his name, people still remembers him for who he is, the works that he has done, the achievements he had etc...but...what about you? When you leave, what is going to happen? Will the industry remember you? will anyone, besides your family and friends remembers you? What is your legacy?"
Wow...after that...i came to my senses...
Though i'm no longer having the thoughts to end it all, i know it's a battle i have to fight....just now i asked myself, what is the thing that gets me going every single day? and even right now, I cannot answer that myself.
Sorry if you think I'm gonna share my problems here. I'm not.
No comments:
Post a Comment