Frustration

Felt like it has been raining on me for almost a year or so.

Just when I thought it was over, it seems to be raining again.

Probably i have too much skeletons,

Maybe God is saying this is my load to carry.

But....

Was all this what you all have in mind,

When I was a baby?

Now without a roof over my head to call my own,

It seems like there is nothing left to fight,

Nor anything to make it all ok.

They kept giving me a sunday school answer,

Please don't say, "it's temporary",

When it seems like its forever.

Just when she thought ignorance is bliss,

See where it has landed her now.

It hurts to know that it's gonna take me a long time

To climb back on my feet.

Don't try to say I just simply lost my way

I was being dragged to this war.

Never again will I want to anymore.

You chose to end it this way

And now you want to come back for more.

They may believed what you told them,

But I never will....

Never again.

Don't try to rob me of everything

Coz never again will I love you

I know you must have felt that it sucks

To see my face everywhere

And so do I

Now that I learnt the hard way

All because of you

I became so hard to trust

Everyone around me

As a child, my heart was shattered into pieces

I can't even piece it back together

And it felt as if someone has just hammered on the broken pieces

Probably it's not meant to be healed

I'm not gonna cry

For the same thing again

So broken on the inside

I guess it all don't matter anymore.

Last Saturday with God

In case you don't know, I haven't been going to church for about 2 weeks before I finally go last saturday. Well, I was actually planning not to go for service last week as I wanna work for Audi Fashion Festival as a dresser on saturday but due to my mum needing me to help out in the moving of house, I decided not to go for the dresser thingy for AFF.

The past few weeks I have been struggling real badly with regards to many things in my life. Not gonna say much here, but one thing i can say is...I have been thinking of ending it all like how Alexander McQueen did. Indirectly, I have been "blaming" God and all....

So...I went to service not really engaging and all. Pastor Kong talks about depression and all and all that runs in my mind is that it is just a sermon to encourage others and I'm not really interested as it will not help me solve my problem.

But during ministering, I had no intention of going down for altar call. What really scares me is that it is then that i realised...that I am indeed struggling...struggling with thoughts of ending my life. Life doesn't seem so interesting, nor am i running after my dreams after all...

The female cgl/leader that prayed for me is indeed a great sister, but well, I wasn't that concern about it (but still, i got to thank her). Before the service and even during the service, i told God that I ain't talking/gonna listen to Him (see how childish I am!) unless something can make me change my mind. Well, the sister who prayed for me after she minister to me said something to me, but i wasn't listening. Strangely, I was thinking of Alexander McQueen....

God is such a humorous God. I said to Him that I don't wanna talk to Him about love, dreams, hopes, faith etc. And guess what? He spoke to me by showing met through Alexander McQueen! I said to myself, "I'm gonna end it all like Alexander McQueen and when I'm in the other world, I can probably ask him to teach me all his skills and probably interview him! Same as McQueen, no one seems to be trustworthy, no one seems to understand..." Then...a thought came to my mind when the sister was praying for me (but I wasn't even listening!)...

"Alexander McQueen's death is a tragedy. Probably it is something that he thought long and hard before making the decision. But...few years down the road, when you mention his name, people still remembers him for who he is, the works that he has done, the achievements he had etc...but...what about you? When you leave, what is going to happen? Will the industry remember you? will anyone, besides your family and friends remembers you? What is your legacy?"

Wow...after that...i came to my senses...

Though i'm no longer having the thoughts to end it all, i know it's a battle i have to fight....just now i asked myself, what is the thing that gets me going every single day? and even right now, I cannot answer that myself.

Sorry if you think I'm gonna share my problems here. I'm not.

Claustrophobic

Moved house on sunday. Most of my friends told me over twitters/sms/bb telling me to enjoy the new place, how is the new place etc. When i told them that I'm staying at my aunt's house, their reaction is more or less the same: "Oh."

Moving house is not a easy task especially when you are moving out of the house that you have live in for 12 years. Strangely, though I'm glad that I'm moving away from the place of bad memories that reminds me of a pithole of darkness, I'm kinda not really glad that I'm living at my aunt's place too.

In case you don't know, I'm slightly, or at times to a large extend, claustrophobic. I'm afraid of confined space. AND....the room that I'm staying...is small. Way smaller than the room that I shared with my sister. Way way smaller...and when I sleep, I felt that the room is closing in on me. Oh well.

If you are really concerned about my well being as a friend, please...either pray that my mum would be able to buy a house (which means the procedure of the divorce must be quick) or that someone would offer a room for us (and must be bigger!)

Strangely, i stayed at my aunt's house at the same room exactly 12 years ago.

Argh. Claustrophia...but..I'm slightly...and really...slightly glad that when I stay here, I won't be able to bump into my father anymore.