Love

Love

I used to think,

"It's so unfair how mistakes of others,

Created the deepest scars in life"

As time passes by,

That thought evolved into hatred

Till it seems so hard to let it go.

Then came a one fine day,

I met Him who gave us all,

Who showed me what is love.

He asked me to let it go,

And said that the debt is

Not mine but His to pay.

He told me not to live love,

In the shadows of history

As the future is here and now.

Don't go through life with hatred,

That's what He preached,

But faced our life with love for one another.

Testings

There are different testings in life, and it can be categorized into three different testings:

1) The testing of wanting instant result vs. learning to walk by faith

2) The testing of instant fame/power vs. allowing God to promote you

3) The testing of compromise vs. patience

All of us are at different stages of testings in our life, but most importantly, when you go through trials in your life, know that God is a compassionate and merciful God.

5th July 2010

5th July 2010. The best birthday celebration that i can remember. For consecutive years, every single birthday of mine started or ended with tears rolling down my cheeks. It was not tears of joy, but tears of sadness. Amazingly, as I am typing this, it is already 1am, and I have celebrated my birthday with a "blast", and really enjoyed it tons thanks to the many friends of mine who make it happen!

My plan was to go to Universal Studio and spend almost a full day there playing on rides and watching shows which always never fail to inspire me and give me ideas for creativity whenever I am there. Well, without tickets booked online, I supposed it's alright if we just go to Universal Studio and purchase the tickets there...but i was wrong! When we arrived there, the ticketing booth was not even open as all tickets are sold out!

I was upset to see the place being packed and the idea of not being able to go into Universal Studio frustrates me at that moment. However, i remembered Virginia had a friend who could get us tickets as he works in a tour agencies and amazingly, we got tickets to go in! Hooray...really am grateful to Virginia and her friend and as well as to God who answers my prayers!

Had great fun at Universal Studio the whole day and after which we went down to City Link Sake Sushi for dinner. Initially, i thought my cell group would get me Copic markers as it was exactly the price of their budget (yes i know the budget as i always get pressies for member's birthday!) but I dreamt that I would get a acoustic guitar! And yes, miracles and prayers do come to pass! Cell group indeed gave me a acoustic guitar for my birthday! God answers prayers! Hooray.

In summary, 5th July 2010 marked a change in my life, that as i think in my heart that all things will work out for good, it will. Besides this, i have also break the cycle of "tearful" birthdays! Thanks to God and of course, all my friends who make it happen!

Presents I received and people to thank for (in the sequence of pressies that I got first till what I will be getting [hopefully...]):

1) CCC latest album and CHC latest album- given by Pastor Jimmy

2) Money- given by my sister

3) Big can of Jellybeans-given by Valerie

4) Clothes from Depression-given by Shuyin and Jasmine

5) Money- given by my aunt Mina

5) Shrek notepad-Drew

6) Acoustic Guitar- Cell group

7) Kinokuniya vouchers- Julia and Christine

8) Mysterious gift- from Jun Ping

9) Mysterious gift- from Verena

10) Ipad- Mum [hopefully]

Once again, thanks for the pressies!!! It's not the amount/how much you pay that matters, it's the heart that counts. And this year, i got what I really want and need! Thanks. You guys rock! Awesome. And thanks to those who wished me too, it warms my heart!

Birthday

My birthday is coming. Strangely, part of me is waiting for that day to come while the other half is hoping it will not come at all. Why? I have never in my life celebrate my birthday happily. Every single birthday of mine is celebrated in tears, as if there seems to be something that will upset me to be in tears for that day. How i wish this year would be different for a change.

Anyway, as usual. Before my birthday, i will write down what i want for my birthday (in case any kind hearted soul or friend is so willing to buy for me for my pressie..hehe) and what i really NEED. *notice there is a difference!

What i WANT:

1) I-pad

2) Iphone 4

3) Alexander McQueen's McQ t-shirt

4) House of Holland "Uhu Gareth Pugh" t-shirt

5) Gareth Pugh perfume

6)A cool watch

7) Chanel sunglasses

8)Alexander McQueen's skull scarf

What i NEED:

1) A belt (one that matches all my clothes)

2) Dr Martens boots (my shoes is spoiling!)

3) Acoustic guitar ( a really good one that last me for very long)

4) 4 $50 kinokuniya vouchers so that i can buy 4 books (3 fashion books and 1 creative business book)

5) A BIG bag to put in all my stuff like my laptop, my notebook, my sketchbook, my stationery etc.

6) Wallet (no GUESS please)

7) Clothes! it seems like i've been wearing the same thing over and over again

8) Perfume

9) Copic Markers (preferably those in a box as the colors are already coordinated. i want colors and one that is only black and grey)

10) A ring ( i dropped mine and now i'm feeling so weird without one!)

11) Adobe After Effects (this is what i really really really need right now!)

12) Designare magazine subscription

13) Spectacle frame (my CK frame is getting so bad....)

Frustration

Felt like it has been raining on me for almost a year or so.

Just when I thought it was over, it seems to be raining again.

Probably i have too much skeletons,

Maybe God is saying this is my load to carry.

But....

Was all this what you all have in mind,

When I was a baby?

Now without a roof over my head to call my own,

It seems like there is nothing left to fight,

Nor anything to make it all ok.

They kept giving me a sunday school answer,

Please don't say, "it's temporary",

When it seems like its forever.

Just when she thought ignorance is bliss,

See where it has landed her now.

It hurts to know that it's gonna take me a long time

To climb back on my feet.

Don't try to say I just simply lost my way

I was being dragged to this war.

Never again will I want to anymore.

You chose to end it this way

And now you want to come back for more.

They may believed what you told them,

But I never will....

Never again.

Don't try to rob me of everything

Coz never again will I love you

I know you must have felt that it sucks

To see my face everywhere

And so do I

Now that I learnt the hard way

All because of you

I became so hard to trust

Everyone around me

As a child, my heart was shattered into pieces

I can't even piece it back together

And it felt as if someone has just hammered on the broken pieces

Probably it's not meant to be healed

I'm not gonna cry

For the same thing again

So broken on the inside

I guess it all don't matter anymore.

Last Saturday with God

In case you don't know, I haven't been going to church for about 2 weeks before I finally go last saturday. Well, I was actually planning not to go for service last week as I wanna work for Audi Fashion Festival as a dresser on saturday but due to my mum needing me to help out in the moving of house, I decided not to go for the dresser thingy for AFF.

The past few weeks I have been struggling real badly with regards to many things in my life. Not gonna say much here, but one thing i can say is...I have been thinking of ending it all like how Alexander McQueen did. Indirectly, I have been "blaming" God and all....

So...I went to service not really engaging and all. Pastor Kong talks about depression and all and all that runs in my mind is that it is just a sermon to encourage others and I'm not really interested as it will not help me solve my problem.

But during ministering, I had no intention of going down for altar call. What really scares me is that it is then that i realised...that I am indeed struggling...struggling with thoughts of ending my life. Life doesn't seem so interesting, nor am i running after my dreams after all...

The female cgl/leader that prayed for me is indeed a great sister, but well, I wasn't that concern about it (but still, i got to thank her). Before the service and even during the service, i told God that I ain't talking/gonna listen to Him (see how childish I am!) unless something can make me change my mind. Well, the sister who prayed for me after she minister to me said something to me, but i wasn't listening. Strangely, I was thinking of Alexander McQueen....

God is such a humorous God. I said to Him that I don't wanna talk to Him about love, dreams, hopes, faith etc. And guess what? He spoke to me by showing met through Alexander McQueen! I said to myself, "I'm gonna end it all like Alexander McQueen and when I'm in the other world, I can probably ask him to teach me all his skills and probably interview him! Same as McQueen, no one seems to be trustworthy, no one seems to understand..." Then...a thought came to my mind when the sister was praying for me (but I wasn't even listening!)...

"Alexander McQueen's death is a tragedy. Probably it is something that he thought long and hard before making the decision. But...few years down the road, when you mention his name, people still remembers him for who he is, the works that he has done, the achievements he had etc...but...what about you? When you leave, what is going to happen? Will the industry remember you? will anyone, besides your family and friends remembers you? What is your legacy?"

Wow...after that...i came to my senses...

Though i'm no longer having the thoughts to end it all, i know it's a battle i have to fight....just now i asked myself, what is the thing that gets me going every single day? and even right now, I cannot answer that myself.

Sorry if you think I'm gonna share my problems here. I'm not.

Claustrophobic

Moved house on sunday. Most of my friends told me over twitters/sms/bb telling me to enjoy the new place, how is the new place etc. When i told them that I'm staying at my aunt's house, their reaction is more or less the same: "Oh."

Moving house is not a easy task especially when you are moving out of the house that you have live in for 12 years. Strangely, though I'm glad that I'm moving away from the place of bad memories that reminds me of a pithole of darkness, I'm kinda not really glad that I'm living at my aunt's place too.

In case you don't know, I'm slightly, or at times to a large extend, claustrophobic. I'm afraid of confined space. AND....the room that I'm staying...is small. Way smaller than the room that I shared with my sister. Way way smaller...and when I sleep, I felt that the room is closing in on me. Oh well.

If you are really concerned about my well being as a friend, please...either pray that my mum would be able to buy a house (which means the procedure of the divorce must be quick) or that someone would offer a room for us (and must be bigger!)

Strangely, i stayed at my aunt's house at the same room exactly 12 years ago.

Argh. Claustrophia...but..I'm slightly...and really...slightly glad that when I stay here, I won't be able to bump into my father anymore.

Youth Meeting

Just thought of blogging before I carry on my day of work today.

Yesterday's youth meeting was awesome. When Pastor Kong shared with us his burden, i felt that burden as well. I realized that as I grow up in church, year after year, even though we have grown in size, the people are taking a step back and "relaxing" and enjoying what is already present and made available to them. Unlike the pioneers, it can be said that we "had it all too easy". Instead of carrying on what the pioneers had already done, we are just "relying" on their victories instead of going out there to conquer the giants and take the world for Christ. You may not agree with me, but this is what I have observed as I grow up in church since I was 14 years old till now.

A little bit of reminiscence, when pastor Kong asked the pioneers how old they started leading etc, it dawned upon me what I could have achieved if I obeyed. At the age of 14, i joined church. At the age of 15, it is the year of the Emerge and I was inspired to want to do something for God. Unknowingly, God's plan for me was to become a student leader of my school. I truly enjoyed the days of being a student leader, whereby there are days I would gather the people in my school to do prayer walk, conduct prayer meetings with other schools, fast and pray for school revivals etc. When i left the school, having need to pass on the responsibilities to another potential student leader for my school, initially i was reluctant, as I truly love to serve God and really want to see God moving in my school. My teacher (who is a cg leader), talked to me about it and he said that what is important is leaving a legacy.

At that same period whereby i was a student leader, i was also the helper of my cg. I was growing and had the desire to want to become a cell group leader. But many things happened. Instead of seeking the advice of my previous cell group leader and my cell group leader, I chose to be influenced by "wrong" company and assume it is for good of the company and as a result, I lost my leadership.

Even though that may be so, as I reflect upon it today, I realised that how much more I could do if i obeyed during that time. But well, never be trapped in the past. Have to keep moving on. So instead of being caught up in the past, i'm looking forward. I still have 1 year and 9 months more in my school. Probably I could pray for revival and do something about it. I believed there is reason why God placed me in my school, and I want to make full use of what is present and given to me. I must be a good steward of what he place in my life.

In conclusion, after the youth meeting, instead of rushing my work, I ended up taking up my guitar and worship God instead. It's really great to be in His presence. The youths should start to rise up. It's never too early to start, nor is it too late to begin. All it takes is a step of faith. Once we make that decision to step out, God will lead our way through. Always remember, obedience is better than sacrifice. Let's not be trapped in the legacy of what the pioneers have done and be glad in it that we never go out and do greater things for God.

Let's all rise up!

My child,

It's always easy for you to get caught in the past

And not see the future ahead.

You may be crying out,

Thinking how could I be so near and yet so far

My beloved child,

Look towards me

Instead of all the problems

You are going through

And let go

My precious child,

My love for you was not

A once upon a time

It was for now

Till the very end of time

My dearest child,

What came before you

Was really for you to grow

Don't blame yourself

For every single thing

I never want you

To live love

In the shadow

Of your past

Give all your burdens to Me

And I carry the weight

Facing the problem

With you

You might not know

What is coming

But look to Me

as Your guide

This may feel like

The lowest of your days

But every tear you cry

I'll give you peace

I will never make you pay

What you never owe

The debt is mine

And you should let it go

I have already paid the price

When I was strapped to the cross

So don't ever live life

In the shadows of your history

Go ahead and give your love

To those who require of it

Carry on writing the dreams

On the canvas of your heart

Keep your life pure

Let your life shine

Keep your heart strong

And carry on

Written by Abigail, dated 11 February 2010, 18.20

The issues weighing on my shoulder is getting heavier

Maybe God is saying this is my load to carry

I'm getting weary of all these constant fury

From this certain man who wouldn't let me go

Was this what you had in mind when I was a baby?

In my heart I can't stand shoulder to shoulder

With the man his name I carry

Is no longer my father

This roof over my head is no longer my shelter

What else more do you want with me?

You wouldn't stop repeating

Like a broken recorder

There's nothing left

To fight over

Nothing left for you to gain

So won't you just let it go

Why does things always happen to me

Every day I live with a dream

That one day

I'll fly away and bring my mum and sis with me

Written by Abigail, dated 17 Feb 2010, 17.50

Please Go Away

Please Go Away

Hey Dad,

Probably you are just thinking

That sis and I are just a mistake

Coz we did not grow up according to your plan

To become your source of income

And when you left us the other day

We are all so overjoyed

Thinking that it's the end

Of our agony

But then again

You came back, demanding so much from us

We have already lost much thanks to you

Won't you just go away?

You never ever approve of what I did

You always think I'm wasting my time

Doing the things I want to do

It always hurt when you disapprove all along

We will never be able to satisfy all your wants

Now that we have lost it all

All i could say is

We can't go back anymore

Say whatever you want about us

I will try not to think about it

Now that it's just too late

For me to go back anymore

Nothing will ever change the things you said

The only thing will gonna make this right again

Is that you will leave

And never ever come back at all

Written by Abigail, dated February 11 2010, 17.30

One Day I'll Fly Away

One Day I'll Fly Away (inspired from Moulin Rouge)

I live from day to day

In the hope of trying to survive

Instead of being who I am

Everyday I hoped that this would go away

For years I yearned

And yet it grew greater

I longed for nothing more

But just this....

That one day I'll fly away

How I wish I could fly away

And leave all this to yesterday

But I couldn't

Probably it's just a dream

The only source for my existence

But why live life from dream to dream

One day the dream will end

But from now, I long for that day

That I'll be able to fly away

Written by Abigail, dated February 11, 2010 at 17.00